Finding Other Bumblebees
It started with this great article in NY Times Magazine on Judd Apatow. In it, talking about his young days as a comedian trying to find his voice, and ending up at L.A’s Improv where he found like-minded guys, he says, “I felt like the bumblebee girl in the Blind Melon video who finally meets other bumblebees…I cried every time I saw that” [from the NYT article].
Hmm…funny how that works. Growing up I’ve always thought I was mismanaged in the assembly line when the ‘Big Maker’ was putting me together. I won’t lie to you, I was awkward - still have remains of it - I was shy, didn’t behave like the other kids, didn’t have the ‘talent’ like the other kids in doing mind-jobbing school work, had(ve) weight issues - no issues, I was fat - and was made fun of. Can’t blame those cock-smackers for making fun of me - they needed something to put in their resume for future McJobs (glad I could help). I did have one thing I was convinced kids shouldn’t have after a certain age - because others would tell me so - and that is a ‘wild imagination.’ It was always active and it would send me off to find shelter in movies, music, books, and comics. Oh how I fucking loved comics. Finished off Tintin, Asterix, Archie, Flash Gordon, and anything with speech balloons on them. Alas, I wasn’t a rich spoiled kid who could afford to buy new copies. I had to borrow, sometimes leaving my spine at home, from others to read them. Oh yeah, I was a spineless little bastard who let people walk all over me because I thought everyone else knew better. Don’t know why I thought that. It took me quarter of a century to shed that.
Don’t weep for me yet. I needed all of that to happen to me, all the bad things. It’s better if bad shit happens to you early in life. It was better for me I felt isolated and ignored. At that stage one can do two things, keep moving towards the end of the tunnel in search of light or, as I did, move to a different tunnel: New York.
Man, I feel like I should be ending this with a Mister Rogers like speech. Fine.
You are who you are. The way you are made is no accident. The way you’ve been handled in your lifetime is no accident. Yes, you are an important factor in the greater scheme of things. Yes, your presence is serving a purpose for others but you ought to serve some of the good stuff on your plate - from others as well. Looking at the big picture is not your goal; leave that to time. What you like is what you like. What you are is what you are. Can’t change the fact and can’t fight the fact. If you’re a train, you shouldn’t be spending all your life trying to be a car because you’ll be unhappy. If it doesn’t feel right, it isn’t.
Your body is your body, your mind yours to cultivate. Your body will never be like another person’s body or mind. It will never fit the image of another person’s idea of a body, let alone perfect body. What is a perfect body, anyway? The one that has all the parts in the right place, isn’t it? You want a perfect body? Learn Photoshop. Your ‘weird’ world is yours to live in. There will always be someone who has seen that world, who has appreciation for it, and who makes you want to make that world inside you better. There will be others who will laugh at the same world, who will want to change it to their liking, use their power to manipulate it. Change the tunnel. Stay away from anything that brings you down. Stay away from anything that promises to bring you up. Promises are cheap and they are on discount at Wal-Mart. Lies are cheap too and they’re a buy one get one free deal that last forever. Knowledge is your true friend. The more you learn, the more you earn - love, respect, honor, accolades, legacy. Yes all that has to be earned. Knowledge is not getting a Masters degree in ‘Everthing 2.0.’ Knowledge is about earning your place in your future and the future. I didn’t mention anything about earning money.
But you see, you don’t earn money; it earns you as its slave. You shouldn’t let it though. Besides, you can’t write a check from the grave. Yes, money matters. If I didn’t have my morning breakfast and a Venti coffee, this shit I type won’t be philosophy to me. If I didn’t know I have my lunch stacked away in the fridge, this ‘money earns you as slave’ line would tickle me. If I didn’t have a place to call home, wouldn’t I let money earn me? I would, of course. I have. You would too. But it’s your decision to free yourself from that when the time is right. Balance your life out with work, family, fun, passion, and money…hopefully equally. Don’t rush into things. Don’t live life medium-rare. Most of all, make it hard for the fucking obituary writer to define your life in clever short sentences that score high on SATs.
If you find other bumblebees, even just one special bumblebee, hold on to him/her/them till your last breath. And if you’re still searching…remember you can only find them/him/her if you wear your costume like one, behave like one, be like one, love like one, act like one, and not be ashamed to be one. How would you know when you’ve found them/him/her? That constant smile on your face that lights up the world around you should be your clue. 
August 15th, 2007 at 10:57 am
Hi Emon, good post. Sounds like you’re getting to the point where you’re okay with who you are and what you can expect from yourself. Keep treading water…
Cheers.
August 15th, 2007 at 11:12 am
Thanks, Joe! Life is easier when you accept yourself as yourself.
August 15th, 2007 at 11:36 am
Good observation on life. I got to be a bumblebee at around 42 years of age! See you on the stumbling road Emon. B.top
August 15th, 2007 at 11:42 am
That was touching…I guess everyone could find a version of himself in this article.
I was expecting an ending along the lines of “I moved to New York started lifting weights and am now the world’s most muscular man”. Ultimately your ending had a bit more substance though
August 15th, 2007 at 1:38 pm
Thanks for this, Emon.
Charbarred is right, everyone could find a version of him/herself in this post.
Isn’t it strange that one of the hardest things to accomplish in this life is just learning how to be yourself?
August 15th, 2007 at 2:25 pm
Thank you, B.top! Better late than never.
Char, you ruined my next post which would have been the photo spread of me on the latest Muscle & Fitness magazine lifting two convertibles over my head and teeth so white photographers used it to white-balance their cameras.
Nicole, it is probably the hardest thing to do. Remember the Harry Potter movie (1st or 2nd) where he stands in front of that mirror that only shows people how they like to be seen? Well, I stand in front of the mirror and see Gandalf. Is that weird?
August 15th, 2007 at 3:30 pm
Charbarred didn’t ruin anything, let’s see the Muscle Mag cover!!
August 15th, 2007 at 6:48 pm
Great post, E! Considering what I’ve been going through lately, it’s exactly what I needed to read.
Most evocative. Thank you.
L
August 15th, 2007 at 10:23 pm
Thank you, L! Now let’s have your bumblebee-ified picture.
August 16th, 2007 at 2:27 am
great insights. thanks for dropping by my blog and thanks for the birthday greeting as well
God bless u!
August 16th, 2007 at 8:59 am
That was an excellent post, Emon!
August 16th, 2007 at 9:23 am
Thanks, Dee!
August 17th, 2007 at 4:26 pm
[…] post, from Emon at Emonome is called “Finding Other Bumblebees” and it broaches the well-traveled subject of learning to be yourself. It’s been said a […]
August 18th, 2007 at 8:41 am
Thanks so much for this post. I am reading it at a crossroads in life and it’s definitely making me see things more clearly.
August 19th, 2007 at 12:40 am
You’re welcome, Pam! Clarity makes one choose the right road. Here’s to that journey after you’ve found it.
August 20th, 2007 at 8:14 am
Spot on! I was a gawky, weird kid with a sense of humour and a similarly wild imagination. It took me until I was 30 let all that shit go… now I know I wouldn’t be who I am without it and as a result, I’m happy.
Inner bees unite!
Cheers
BC
August 21st, 2007 at 12:01 pm
You will probably find this as moving as I did…
http://www.lyricsdepot.com/mark-wills/dont-laugh-at-me.html
I saw Peter Yarrow (of Peter, Paul & Mary fame) in concert the other day and he sang this song. I had never cried at a concert until then.
August 23rd, 2007 at 12:23 pm
emon,
thank you for your post. it’s exactly what i needed to hear. i was really shy and insecure growing up and even though i’m not the same way now i still feel like sometimes i don’t know what the hell im doing, who i am, and what i want to be. but can’t stop trying though, right?
August 28th, 2007 at 6:39 pm
buzzz buz
January 16th, 2008 at 1:19 pm
Emon - incredible writing and insight - you’ve found the golden hive - and the honey is sweeter when it’s mellowed. I’m a fellow bee embarking on a new career that was cut short 20 years ago by a suicide. A new boyfriend’s ex-girlfriend bee-friended me when she saw she couldn’t destroy me, but eventually her self-hatred destroyed her. I was a poet and beginning journalist, and all of my writings where strewn around the room and photographed by the police and used as evidence of a potential homocide after she committed suicide in my bedroom when I was gone one night. I barely knew her, but was followed by detectives for months afterward until I approached her preacher to approach her family so I could explain my position, and that I had bee-friended her, but she had too much loss of self from prior events I had nothing to do with to find herself. It made me afraid to share myself with anyone, and to feel there must be a reason so many bad things had happened to me. I decided to develop internally and found knowledge is power… I’ve now graduated from college with an English degree and am starting out freelancing to work my way up as a rock journalist- my first piece is on none other than Blind Melon. They’ve reunited and are putting on Killer Bee shows - Travis is awesome and unassuming and I have to pinch myself to remember it’s not the original band. Such an bee-utiful tribute to Shannon - the band in my opinion has only ripened, mellowed and is better than ever…I think Shannon’s spirit is buzzing more intensely than ever during those shows…WOW…I can’t wait to see what’s next. I hope you’re checking out the Blind Melon Forum and BeeMelon…excellent ways to stay in touch with others bees - I’m smiling…thanks 2 you!!! P.s> check out Eye and Mind -Shannon’s mom’s jewelry website- she’s dealing with cancer and could use the support of the Melon community - peace…
January 19th, 2008 at 3:33 pm
[…] still get responses re: my bumblebee post. I love hearing from people and it makes me feel good that the post somehow resonated with them. […]
April 27th, 2008 at 12:07 am
[…] my bumblebee post from 2007? I’m sure you don’t. It got the most responses than any other post of mine […]