Oh you didn’t know that, did you? Just because you paid $4 bucks for that extremely tiny cup doesn’t mean you come from a well-read, fed, groomed, informed family of 3 and have a finger on the pulse of proper English usage.
Just because you can say Double Mocha Latte Chai Half-Decaf on a Small Cup with Extra Twice over with sprinkles of Cinnamon 3 times fast doesn’t mean you are to be perceived as having high-brow tastes.
Just because your 3 year old looks cute when he says “I think people priorities need a major evaluation” doesn’t mean others will love to hear it over and over.
Just because you know how to push a stroller does it make you a strong mother. When we see your little sunshine being a prick, we know it’s because you and his/her daddy can’t agree who is a better parent. None of you are. If you were, the fucker wouldn’t be making all that noise in a public place. But then again, the little cock wouldn’t know better because the parents are the same way, at home and at public places. Read the headline bitches, Starbucks is not your living room. No one cares if your baby has diaper rash. No one cares if little Timmy likes The Daily Show. How the fuck do you know he likes The Daily Show? He still needs to shove a toy in his mouth to make sure it’s a toy. And what about you? Yes you with your over-sized kid in the stroller with a pacifier in his mouth – isn’t he a little too old for that cutesy shit?
Just because you are hunched over a laptop with your Green Chai (or whatever) looking busy doesn’t mean the whole block has to know what you’re writing and that your deadline is coming soon and that Universal Studios has optioned your script. No one gives a fuck! I’m not sitting there with my bagel and butter to hear you moan about not getting things done because you had a stomach flu.
Just because you think you’re a cute couple doesn’t mean others will enjoy your baby talk at the next table.
Respect others around you when you’re sitting at a table where the person sitting next to you can hear you think. Leave the little, out-of-control kids at home.
Stop talking to your dog from inside when you know Sparky is tied to the parking meter outside. Unless Sparky has a blue tooth in his fucking ear, he is not going to hear you. Oh no, I just gave you an idea. Please don’t buy Sparky a blue tooth. It won’t go well with his iPod Nano.
{ 3 comments… read them below or add one }
A-Fuckin’-men. I don’t know why, but everybody seems to think that they’re so interesting that other people won’t be irritated by their interruptions and bad behavior. We are. We really are.
To quote Chuck Palahniuk (Fight Club): “You are not a beautiful and unique snowflake. You are the same decaying organic material as everyone else.” So shut the hell up.
Great post, by the way.
I love ranting in the comments on other peoples blogs.
The kids don’t bother me…not one little bit. The pushy perverted men are the ones that get on my last overlatted nerve. The ones who think you couldn’t possibly be there because you needed a place to get some uninterrupted work done…the idiots who think because you’re a female you’re fair prey for whatever dull & inane thing happens to roll like a tumbleweed through their dusty empty minds. These cats will park themselves at your table and give a full on dissertation on their irrelevant to me careers while looking over my shoulder while reading my none’ya business screen text. Feigning an interest in my life while attempting to solicit potential models for their seedy photography business featuring trashy looking models with their bodies held in distorted positions and a boob or two hangin out for this obviously deranged pervert. Starbucks is not your pickup bar, brothel or bordello…I’d like a skinny double jerk free latte, just for once, please!
Jerk-free latte — love it! Oh yeah, I know what you mean…there’s this one particular SBux on Times Square, opposite of the AMC theater that is a pervert central. There’d be dudes parked on a table with cameras and laptops snapping away.
I’d seen that a few years ago and don’t know if they still do that in there. Then again, I have no reason to go into that one when there are perfectly good ones a couple of blocks away.
On the opposite end of what you’ve described are writers who will have their laptops facing the crowd with a screenwriting software opened up to their latest screenplay – great conversation starters, they like to think.