The Mother of All Licenses

by Emon Hassan on June 12, 2008

This is a conversation I overheard today: “When I tell you something, you listen. I don’t care how important it is, you stop doing it and follow what I say. I put food on the table and put clothes on your back. You disrespect me when you don’t listen.”

It was directed to a boy of, maybe, 5. Nice going there, buddy.

You put food on the table and clothes on his back? Big fucking deal. You brought him into this world so you better put food on the table and clothes on his back, you douche motherfucker! Taking it out on the kid because you’re a fucked up parent – you should hammer your own balls.

Well, now that that’s out of the way. I remember from when I used to teach guitar how kids would be brilliant in sharing ideas, thoughts, and being articulate during the lesson only to turn into a puppet when their parents came to pick them up. These kids would deliberately act dumb in front of them. Painful!

Next time you get on the bus or get on the train, look at the faces of kids riding along with their parents.

Trapped! Bored! Embarrassed!

Therefore, I propose the ‘fuck license’. You are to be given a license to fuck for ‘pleasure only,’ ‘baby-making’ and ‘pleasure+baby making.’ In order to qualify for the second and third license, you have to go through rigorous testing. So if you fuck-up and get someone knocked up – or get knocked up – you better be qualified and ‘equipped’ to be of the best possible service to both mother and child, or yourself and child.

I would apply for a ‘fuck license’. If I don’t qualify, I don’t get to fuck to make babies. My boys will have to learn to do triathlons; life after the ocean, if you will. The license will detail my medical history as well. So no fucking and hiding diseases. If you’ve failed your ‘fuck license’ the first time, you improve your life and take it again. If you had no problem taking the SATs and GREs – or driving tests – until you got the license, you should not object to repeating this test. Until then you should not be allowed to operate your genitals even if you’ve taken Benadryl.

Who will review your application? A doctor, a cop, and a judge. Then, of course, your friends and family will vote anonymously. So you better make sure you don’t fuck them.

There is always a harder way to become a responsible and reliable, decent, human being.

Start today – talk to your kids and let them talk to you so they’re never subjected to the ‘fuck license.’

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